Art by トロピカル坊や
In my previous article, which you can find here, I talked about growing up in America. I concluded with me drifting apart from my friends, and trying to figure out why that was happening. Let's continue.
Reasons why nobody wants to hang out anymore
- It usually costs money.
- It takes too long to get everyone together, leaving little time for the actual activity.
- People are tired, literally all the time.
- Everyone has a lot of conditions attached when deciding whether to go. Standards are much higher.
- People will simply cancel instead of working around conflicts, making it impossible to do events with more than a couple people.
- This also means that people agreeing to go, have to agree without knowing the size or composition of the group.
- People do not really value "hanging out for the sake of hanging out" anymore. Without a specific activity in mind, nobody will show up.
- Very few working adults consider "my friend group" to be their highest priority social circle, meaning these events will always get bumped if anything else comes up.
- The large amount of unknowns means it's relatively likely the event will be cancelled.
- Deciding to go to a hangout like this is a commitment, which requires emotional energy, which people don't have.
- The default decision for almost all people in the face of uncertainty is "no".
Most of these things basically boil down to one common thread. There is a scarcity mentality around money and time. It's not good enough for a hangout to be fun anymore. It has to be more fun than something else you could have done instead. It has to be fun enough to justify being tired tomorrow. It has to be fun enough to justify spending money. It has to be fun enough that the disappointment you feel when it's cancelled is made up by the times it's not. It has to be fun enough that it's a better use of time than spending more time working, or scrolling, or with your family, or running important errands.
It's exhausting. Even more exhausting when the responsibility is largely shifted to one person to identify activities that are cheap/free, easy to schedule, flexible to cancellations, short, and yet enjoyable enough that people will care to show up. Then that person also does all the work of actually inviting, organizing, scheduling, and hosting everything.
Some of this is down to the quirks of my particular friend group. Some of it is just the reality of being working adults. But I've spoken with a number of people, from all over the world, and the thing that I've realized is that it is so much worse in America than it is literally anywhere else. And most Americans have no idea how bad it is here.
(Editor's note: "America" in this context is also includes Canada; they have the same problems).
I've determined a small number of factors that are unique to America are massively worsening this unwinnable social battle. I'll go over them briefly. Also, note. I am making a lot of generalizations here. That is allowed, because I am talking about the country as a whole. Obviously every individual is unique, and America has many distinct regions and subcultures which may have different rules and norms than what I've been exposed to. I am here to discuss large, structural, American trends that are obstacles to social interaction.
Today, I'm going to talk about one thing in particular:
Reason #1: Americans tend to place a higher value on financial security than friendship
I don't blame Americans. The economy's tough. But if you disagree with me on this, ask yourself: "Would I accept a pay cut to work in a job with my friends?" You might correctly point out that Americans are the worldwide champions of frivolous spending. But I implore you to dig deeper into what they're spending so much money on. Hint: It's not "go-karting with the boys". There are definitely things Americans value even more than financial security. But friendship is, by and large, not among them.
I think this is deeply-rooted and unlikely to change. People tend to think about their social interactions in terms of cost vs benefit, which is rational. But the issue is, money is rationally almost always the better option. Friends are temporary, money is forever. If you get more money, it can set you up later in life ("later" is rarely a defined point, but that doesn't matter). You might regret getting closer to your friends, you'll never regret having more money. The option that results in you having more money is always going to be the less risky option. And so, if your friends are like my friends, and are quite risk-averse, they're going to end up choosing money pretty often.
Money is sacred in American culture. Saying you can't do something for money reasons is pretty much a bullet-proof excuse. The only way it can be defeated is if someone offers to pay on your behalf (which they probably won't). If they do, it's perfectly polite and sometimes even expected to decline. If someone says they can't afford something, challenging them on that is a HUGE no-no. Nobody does that. It doesn't matter how important the thing is. It could be medical treatment. It could be therapy. It could be fixing their broken windshield before a rock sails through it and kills them. If they say they can't afford to do anything about it, you will believe them and you will stop asking about it. My impression is that friendship isn't considered anywhere near as important.
How many times have you heard of friendships ending over money, and how many times have you heard of money ending over friendship? I'm sorry to belabor the point so much here, but I think what I'm saying here is very controversial, even though I think it's completely true. And so I feel the need to list many examples. People tell you not to loan money to friends, and if you do, you should consider it gone. Choosing friendship over money in many cases is literally used as an example of poor judgment. I could keep going but hopefully you get the point.
I don't mean to say any of this is inherently bad. I think it's entirely logical, especially given the way our society is structured. And the truth is, if a friend starts asking you for money, that's already a red flag, because money is sacred. So this value system is somewhat circular- nobody who is a "good person" will ever ask you for money, therefore anyone who asks you for money is bad, therefore people who are trying to be good will avoid it if at all possible. It's self-reinforcing. It is true mostly because people believe it. But it's still real. And it is, in my opinion, a major obstacle to social interaction in a world where socializing requires you to sacrifice money.
What happens to a society in which your personal finances are viewed as more important than your interpersonal relationships? I guess we're in the process of finding out right now.
Part 3 coming next week.